For Lack of a Better Tail
by MakaioRed
Summary: A series of misadventures featuring, on alternating occasions, Goku, Vegeta and Krillin. Married life, work, food and also an insane wish-granting dragon all make an appearance as well.
1. Goku Gets a Job

Hell hath no fury like Chi Chi scorned. Perhaps Goku is one of the strongest fighters in the known universe, but there's something just as deadly within Chi Chi. It's the way her scream was carried by the wind and the way Goku's ears rang after a shouting session. Today was a bit different; there was the fear factor, but no (over-the-top) screaming. It all started with Goku watching what may have been the hundredth episode of Bleach; Chi Chi had enough of her husband growing roots into the ground as a lazy couch potato.

"Goku I won't have any more of this," Chi Chi bellowed.

"What do you mean?" Goku asked raising his eyebrow.

"Ever since you came back from training Uub you've done nothing but sit around the house," the frustrated human wife exclaimed, "I'm getting tired of telling you to get a job Goku, and those bills aren't going to pay themselves."

Goku made a gurgling sound with his mouth and then said, "But Gohan's helping us out."

"Yes, but he shouldn't have to," Chi Chi argued. "Goku you'd better go get a job, or else there won't be enough money for any food… at least any food for you."

"What!?" Goku screamed as his head made contact with the ceiling. "No food for ME!"

"Yes!"

"Oh alright, I'll go, don't wait up for me," Goku said rushing through the front door and then lifting off into the air.

Chi Chi clutched her rolling pin and to her airborne husband she shouted, "I wouldn't dream of it."

Mid-flight Goku realised another solution to his food problem. "Hey wait," he said out loud, "I could go get food from Bulma's so I don't have to actually get a job, whew, thank goodness for my brain."

The trip to the city was quick for a standard air dance, and Goku liked having the wind blow through his hair even though he was capable of a much quicker journey. He landed in the entrance way of the Brief's estate. "Hey Bulma," Goku shouted. "Bulma? Mind if I have lunch here. Bulma? Whoa, look at the size of that guy."

The guy in question stood short with spikey hair, almost like someone Goku knew. Except this couldn't be him in Goku's eyes, this man had enough blubber attached to his body to feed a battalion of cannibals.

"Kakarot don't you recognise me," the man said before letting out a loud, almost evil chuckle.

Goku's eyes bulged at the sight of his former rival when his brain finally did the necessary calculations to determine the identity of the man. "Vegeta? Oh my turtle your stomach is huge, how did it get like that?"

"It's not only my stomach, but you are kind. Let's just say that I've been rather inactive during peace time. And what's this 'oh my turtle' business."

Goku's jaw dropped at the sight of Vegeta. Surely this was a trick. Vegeta needed more than an appearance on The Biggest Loser to get rid of the extra baggage in his body. "I heard a guy say 'oh my kame' the other day."

"You idiot, it's 'oh my kami'," Vegeta said while attempting to smack his forehead with his hand, which he was unable to do… because his arm was too heavy to lift that high.

"But Kami merged back with Piccolo, so it had to have been kame."

Vegeta made another swing with his hand and was successful in colliding his hand with his forehead. "I think if this food doesn't kill me, Kakarot may just instead, from total stupidity."

"What? Uh, yeh, anyway, I was wondering if I could get some food."

"You know, the earth girl has nearly gone bankrupt trying to get this stomach big," Vegeta said with a hearty (more like near heart-attack-inducing) laugh. "There's no food left here Kakarot."

"Shucks, looks like I'll have to get a job then."

"What? A job? Looks like it."

"Be seeing you Vegeta, and by the way go on a diet or something," Goku said, positioning himself for take-off and waving his hand warmly at Vegeta.

"What?" Vegeta whelped. "I'm a prince. Show me respect."

"Bye!" Goku shouted blasting off into the sky.

"Blast that fool. I can't even give chase; I'm too heavy to fly. Oh well, that fool, like Bulma really ran out of food and money, time to go chow down on some KFC."

Meanwhile, in the air above the city, our hero found himself using his eyes to survey the shops and places of business from the sky. "Hmmm, I need to find a place to work. Hey what's that place? Oooh, Burger King, I'll try there."

Inside Burger King, Goku found the manager and simply asked for a job. It took five seconds, yes only five seconds for the manager to tell Goku he was hired. That manager probably had a thing for spiky hair.

"What you'll give me a job? Wow thanks," Goku said like a complete idiot. One should always pretend they were sure they would get the job. Not that it was a good job, far from it. Unless you like taking orders and giving people their change.

"Man, this job is really fun," Goku proclaimed. "But it takes a lot out of me when I have to hand this tasty food to people. My nose needs a peg, or else I might be tempted to sneak a few pieces."

Goku's time passed and he served customers without much error. Until, at least, a very shady man walked through the doors and up to the counter where Goku stood behind.

"Hello sir, what would you like to order?" Goku asked.

"Stick 'em up, this is a robbery!" the man said, firing a Glock 17 into the air.

"Not on my watch," Goku said while powering up.

The stranger laughed, pulled out a glowing green rock and said, "Very funny, try this on for size."

Goku lost his footing and fell onto the counter. His strength had dissipated and was replaced with aches all across his body. "What is that, that green stuff?"

The man pointed his Glock at Goku. "It's Kryptonite, and now taste lead Son Goku," he said firing a shot into Goku's shoulder.

"You shot me, and it hurt. Man, I think I'm going to faint. But how did you know my name?"

"Your name tag says it all. You are on your way to destruction, make your time."

Goku fell against the floor and lost consciousness. He took several hours to wake, but when he did he was in the hospital.

Chi Chi was the only person there; quick to her husband's side and then squashing the oxygen out of him. "Oh Goku. I didn't think this would happen when I forced you to go."

"Oh hey Chi Chi, I can't breathe."

Chi Chi let go of her gasping husband. "You had me worried, I'm so sorry for making you get a job."

"It's okay Chi Chi, you couldn't have known something bad would happen. Besides I'm the one who left."

"But I made you leave. Goku, do you really think we need money to buy food? We live next to a forest, there's always food there. I just wanted you to pull some weight around; lately you've just been watching Bleach instead of doing any work."

"I'm the one who should be sorry," Goku said, for once with a serious tone. "I guess I became a couch potato, instead of hunting and doing all the other things I used to do. And silly me for not even realising that we could get food from the forest. I'm sorry Chi Chi for being an all-round dufus and not helping us out."

"I forgive you. And to teach you a lesson I've given all those DVDs of Bleach to Krillin."

"But Chi Chi."

"Now, now Goku, you may be an alien man, but Earth women always rule the roost."

"I guess so."

"Hush now," Goku's wife ordered; pulling a sealed, folded, rubberised contraceptive from her purse. "We could always do other things before the nurse gets back."

"Chi Chi it's too early to play Monopoly."

Chi Chi fell upside down from the sheer innocence and stupidity of her husband. She laughed as she said, "Oh Goku, you never change."

Meanwhile, in another location, a week later…

"Krillin you've been watching Bleach for 4 days straight, when are you going to go to work?"

"C'mon 18, just a little bit longer," Krillin begged.

"Go!"

"Alright, alright! I'm going, I'm going," Krillin yelled while running out the door. Bleach fever seems to have hit Krillin. If only he knew 18 was about to catch it too.


	2. Vegeta Loses Some Weight

Vegeta was not too pleased when he thought back to Kakarot's visit. It was fifteen minutes prior, and the damage of Kakarot's words to Vegeta's ego had been done.

"Damn that Kakarot," Vegeta shouted, banging his arms on a wall. "I know. I'll hire someone to go and find him at his new workplace and deal with him. And then I'd be one up on the bad ass list, above Kaiba, hell yeah."

Vegeta walked back into the house after making a call to 'someone'. In the living room was where he had his KFC. When he finished his meal, he looked at the fireplace portrait of himself that Bulma had made for him. "Man I love being married to a sugar mommy."

"Hey my prince," Bulma said in a cute tone while coming into the room.

"Why have you been so lovey dovey lately?" Vegeta asked irritably. "You never used to act like this."

"But what's wrong Wegewa?" Vegeta's human wife said in a baby's voice. "I wuv wu."

"Stop that Bulma!" Vegeta shouted with seething anger.

"You're my big cuddly teddy bear," Bulma said while grabbing one of Vegeta's arms and cuddling it.

Vegeta's mind came to a conclusion. In his head, his voice said, "So it's my size, I knew that having a body mass index of 88 made me more than obese, but this is a new development. Life was much better when Bulma wasn't so lovey dovey. I know what I must do. I must work out."

Vegeta pulled himself free of his wife and then silently walked off to find a spot to train. He had to lose some of it, or else he was doomed to marital bliss, and he much preferred it when women were rough.

"Where are you going Vegeta?" Bulma asked with a demanding tone. "The chef has prepared an extra-large brunch for you."

"Give it to some starving orphans or something" Vegeta said sarcastically. "I'm going to go train."

"Fine!" Bulma said furiously, walking to a study and slamming the door.

Vegeta left the main building and went into the secondary garden, which had a large, flat, grassy area for him to work out a bit. He stood in the centre and tried to warm up.

"Right, now I just need to lift my arms. C'mon, lift arms, lift." Though as much as Vegeta tried, he could not manage to get a good rhythm going.

He tried to go super saiyan, but that left him trembling and on his knees. "I can't even go super saiyan without my heart aching."

Vegeta tried to position himself on the floor to do push-ups, but his stomach was causing an obstruction. "I can't even do any push ups because my stomach is too big. Time for plan B, I'll have to go on a diet. Judging from the amount of food I eat each day, which happens to be 5 tonnes, I'll have to eat nothing for the entire month. I'll just run around the house, and nothing adverse will happen to me or my body."

5 minutes later, in the lounge.

"I'm so hungry, I'M SO HUNGRY, and worse, it feels like I've been swallowed by the couch. Drats."

"Hey Vegeta," Bulma greeted warmly, not upset about their previous talk.

"You're back? And what are you doing with that scouter?"

"Well, you are my husband. I saw you trying to work out earlier, and I brought this to see why. It says you're over nine thousand."

"My power level?"

"No silly, your mass, you are over 9000kg."

"Oh my kami, Bulma!" Vegeta exclaimed. "You need to stop feeding me so much; I need to lose some of this weight. I couldn't even fly earlier today."

Bulma smiled at her husband's reaction. "I knew you'd eventually realise how bad it got."

"I thought you liked this woman. I thought that's why you were so 'sweet that my teeth may rot' sweet."

"Well, not really," Bulma said, shaking her head. "But when you put on weight I wanted to make you feel comfortable."

Vegeta's eye twitched as he said, "But, you kept feeding me more and more."

"Actually, the chefs have been making the same amount of food they always have, you just got out of shape."

"Oh my," Vegeta said. He was thinking about how to solve his problem. "You don't seem to be worried. Do you have a solution?"

Bulma stuck her hand up; in it a blue pill known to many men around the world. "This pill," Bulma pointed out.

"Give it here," Vegeta snapped, while snatching the pill out of Bulma's hand and swallowing it. Are you sure you don't need water with that Vegeta?

"Wait Vegeta, don't swallow it yet. That pill was..." Bulma said in a rush.

"That pill was what?" Vegeta questioned raising his eyebrow.

"Viagra, Vegeta."

"What? What are you trying to say woman?" Vegeta asked, while something began to appear near the bottom of his blue tights.

"I knew I'd get this reaction. Well there's only one way you're gonna get rid of that flab."

Vegeta gulped when he fully realised Bulma's plan. "Oh… and I swallowed it now. You probably wanted me to have it later."

"Yup, but I guess," Bulma said while biting her lip, "things will have to happen in here."

And that is how Vegeta lost eight thousand, eight hundred and fifty kilograms. One afternoon was all it took.


	3. Krillin Becomes a Saiyan

Goku, Krillin and Vegeta were out in the city for a guy's day out. They'd been to a bowling alley and were chatting while walking to their next destination.

"You've lost a lot of weight Vegeta," Goku said. He's not the best conversationalist is he?

"Shut up Kakarot."

Krillin laughed at the banter between Goku and Vegeta, but failed to notice an oncoming vehicle when he crossed a street.

"Krillin watch out," Goku shouted when he spotted the vehicle, and soon after he had grabbed Krillin and pushed him to safety. Thanks to Goku's quick reflexes, no one has hurt, though Krillin's pride had taken a crash of its own.

"Thanks Goku," Krillin said harshly, "but I could have managed it by myself."

Vegeta rubbed it in when he said, "If you had actually seen it, former baldy."

Goku, generally ignorant to the tones in a person's voice which suggest contempt, said, "But I had to save you, you've been owned too many times."

Out nowhere Krillin shouted, "I'm so sick of you saiyans getting all the glory. I'll find the dragon balls and wish to become a saiyan, and then I can be strong and famous too."

"We'll help you Krillin," Goku said trying to sound helpful. "If we work as a team we can find them instantly."

"Yeh, what he said. We'll get some of the dragon balls," Vegeta added. "I've got to get my camera capsule out; this ought to be fun to watch."

"No, I... damn you guys," Krillin growled, because he wanted to prove he didn't need Goku or Vegeta to do things. "Fine, we'll meet back here when we've found them all." Krillin turned around to look at Goku and then noticed nothing but an empty sidewalk. "Wait... Goku, damn it. He left."

"Oh, yes, Kakarot is doing that 'I must save the day' routine. I couldn't care less, smile for the camera former baldy."

Several seconds later several noises, large stone-like impacts, came from behind Krillin and Vegeta. Goku stood behind them with all seven of the dragon balls on the side walk. "I'm back," he shouted with glee.

"Damn it Goku; going around stealing my thunder," Krillin complained. "Well, they're here now. Oh, great eternal dragon, I summon thee."

"This ought to be really good Kakarot," Vegeta whispered.

"Yay, I'm going to be on TV!" Goku yelled happily, looking at Vegeta's camera.

"Actually, is going to YouTube," Vegeta corrected.

"Now, now Vegeta, I don't have tubes," Goku replied. "Maybe you should ask Dendé."

"Idiot."

Conveniently the dragon finally appeared. "I am the eternal dragon," the dragon roared. "You may know my children, the Teletubbies."

"The tele-what?" Vegeta questioned, almost dropping his camera.

"Dendé is a prime example, he used to be Dipsy," Goku answered.

Vegeta raised his eyebrow at Goku. "You really hate the Namekian don't you?"

"You didn't read 'Hemorrhage' did you?" Goku replied.

Krillin stood with determination written all over his face. This was a wish he wanted; he needed. His would be nothing if he didn't make it. "Shenron I wish to become a saiyan."

"Really?" the flummoxed dragon said. "Well, that takes some doing. It could require years of surgery. Not to mention lots of cross dressing, if you know what I mean."

"What?"

"Nah, I'm just messing with you. But you should really be careful with wishes like that. How about this? I'll make you a saiyan, but only for a day. If you still want to be a saiyan, I'm always around next year. It's not like anyone else finds me anyway."

"Oh well, that makes sense. Very well, Shenron, I wish to become a saiyan for a day.

In an epic rasp, the dragon proclaimed, "Your wish has been granted."

"I don't feel any different."

"I now bid you three farewell," the dragon said, disappearing into the balls, which rose into the air.

"Hey, former baldy," the saiyan prince called, "look behind you."

"What?"

"Oh my kame!" Goku screamed. "Krillin you have a tail!"

"Yes, woo hoo!" Krillin cheered.

"Ha ha haaa former baldie, it's a rabbit's tail," Vegeta pointed out while cackling. "All cute and fluffy, ha ha ha haaa ha haaaaa ha ha ha."

"Oh, man, that sucks. Imagine all the odd looks. But 18 is going to love it, and I feel better than ever," Krillin said hurriedly. "Bye now, I'm heading to the zoo."

Krillin vanished from Goku's and Vegeta's retinae. A new found speed resided in Krillin now that he was a saiyan.

"What?" Goku asked with amazement. "Where'd he go?"

"I don't know Kakarot," Vegeta answered, "but this should be fun to watch."

Goku and Vegeta made their way to the zoo. There they found Krillin inside the monkey cages trying to do something nasty.

"Why's he trying to hump a monkey?" Goku asked. "Vegeta? You're on the floor laughing."

"I am indeed. Because he's only been a saiyan for several minutes, he cannot resist his primal urges. And now for the real show."

"What are you doing?"

"Creating a false moon. Behold Oozaru Krillin."

"This can't be good," Piccolo said, watching his friends from the lookout.

Krillin looked up at the power ball that Vegeta threw into the sky and he began to transform into a great ape.

"Look it's Donkey Kong!" Goku cheered. "With a rabbit's tale."

"That's your best friend you idiot." Piccolo interrupted. "And he looks more like King Kong anyway."

Goku stood in a trance, ignorant to the words made by other mouths. His eyes were completely transfixed on Krillin. Vegeta turned around to face the green skinned elf with television antennae. "Piccolo? When did you get here?"

"Just now, but I've been watching from the lookout. Aren't you two going to stop him?"

"Donkey Kong!" Goku slurred in his video game trance.

"I don't think Kakarot is going to do much, and I'm quite enjoying this," Vegeta said, lifting his camera up to get a shot of Oozaru Krillin (with his rabbit tale getting much screen time).

"Pass me a mushroom," Piccolo commanded to the saiyan prince.

"What?"

"I said give me a kami-damned mushroom."

"Okay, I don't know why you couldn't pick one yourself, there's a few right inside the cage." Vegeta passed a mushroom he picked to Piccolo, who swallowed it and began to grow in size to match Krillin's.

"Wow you've just grown. You're a giant."

"Yes, I guess so, and now I'm going to fight Krillin. And change him back." Piccolo hadn't noticed Krillin's tail yet, but soon enough he will.

"Wow," Goku said, still in his trance. "A Yoshi fighting against Donkey Kong, this is my lucky day."

"I'm not a Yoshi," Piccolo snapped.

"Are too."

"Hey, green guy," Vegeta said. "Look at the tail."

"It... it looks like candy floss; must bite," Piccolo said stuck in a trance of his own.

Vegeta heard these words and was kind of freaked out. "That wasn't the reaction I was expecting."

Piccolo, in his giant form, took a bite out of Krillin's backside, chewing off his entire tail. No longer was Krillin in Oozaru form, and he fell to the ground. The horrible taste of the tail made Piccolo shrink.

"Where did Donkey Kong go?" Goku said, slowly coming out of his trance. "And why's the Yoshi becoming smaller. Nooooo."

Vegeta ran over to Krillin with his camera. "I've never had such a good time watching the former bald guy. Oh, look away, man sausage, better not get that on camera."

"I need a doctor," Krillin groaned.

"I need an optometrist to get the sight your man sausage etched off of my retina," Vegeta quipped.

While Krillin lay there in pain, he realized being a saiyan wasn't worth it, and he was glad he would be a human again the next day.


End file.
